I woke up heart pounding ready to start the day. The 1,000 tasks of the day needed to be tended to and there is only so much time in a day. It’s time to get my 5-year-old up and ready for school, our 2-year-old up and ready for day care. Time to log in for work, need to review the assignments scheduled and due that day for grad school classes. Check the email from the realtor selling our house. It was a Tuesday like any other, accept my heart began racing faster. Once I noticed my heart beating it only got worse. Thoughts for the day blended into one entity within me and an immense feeling of fear took over. Clearly this is a panic attack, my husband asked what is wrong? I couldn’t say it out loud or it might get worse. Out of sight out of mind I thought.

I started thinking of ways I could make it stop. Who has time for a panic attack? It’s comical now to think worrying about time and the thought of its inconvenience would help. As a nurse with a background in psychology I knew I was having a panic attack, and I knew worrying wouldn’t help. I called my doctor’s office and was able to be scheduled for a couple of hours later (which felt like an eternity given how I was feeling). After informing my work of the need for the day off, we took the kids to their designated places and headed to the appointment.

The medication helped and I was able to get some rest for a couple of days. Those two days of “rest” were hard. My body was exhausted, mentally I was drained, spiritually I was dry. Why is she sharing this with us? You’re probably asking yourself.

I’m sharing this for anyone who is struggling to juggle all of the tasks we take on (big and small). The things we prioritize would possibly take a different order if we viewed life differently. Sometimes it takes these wake-up calls from God for us to see the rest our body and spirit is desperately craving.

It’s ironic that we need to be “woken up” to see that we need to rest. Our bodies get stuck in survival mode and when our nervous system is dysregulated, we can respond to the elevated cortisol levels with “fight or flight”. It can feel enormously daunting recognizing in that moment that we are humans with limitations.

The biggest take away on this day for me was realizing that I am human. I can’t continue being a “yes” woman. I must recognize that although I can’t see my boundaries and limits, I can confidently admit they are there. To be able to carry out my priorities and to care for my children. I had to reevaluate my priorities. I had to be honest with myself that the number of things I had taken on was too much for me: working on our marriage, selling our house, working on master’s degree, working full time, managing young kids, and tending to household duties. God wanted to remind me, I don’t have to do it alone and I don’t need to complete all of these tasks. God demanded my attention and forcing me to admit that He no longer was a priority.

It would take this day to recognize I can’t do it all, and to realize I didn’t have to on my own. In hindsight I feel like it was God showing me that I need Him. That the achievements and the things in this world that I’ve accomplished were never done all on my own in the first place. After all, we can’t forget all of those nights praying to pass nursing school, praying to pass the boards exam, praying for marriage, praying for my first and second born. God was at work in all of the things I’ve prayed for and has always come to my aid. The least I could do is slow down, humble myself, come to him, ask for help.

The urgency of this day caused me to spend the next year focusing on my physical, mental, and spiritual health. I really started to dig into what the cause of the panic and anxiety was from. I had to admit I was overindulging in things of this world. I worked on quitting alcohol for starters after realizing that one glass of wine quickly turned into one bottle more throughout the week than I’d like to admit. I had to quit vaping which was causing my heart and lungs to slow. I needed to get back into exercising, being intentional with my diet and what it is I’m putting into my body. I had to protect my peace at all costs, and this meant learning how to cope with stress in a healthy way. Most importantly I had discovered my identity as a Christian in a society that makes it difficult to thrive as one.

I share my difficulty in hopes of renewing the spirit of those who are asleep to God. Those who are experiencing the same thing I went through, falling into the trap of thinking “I can do this on my own.” Forgetting that our God is with us and able. Putting the things of this world before anything else, including our walk with God. Romans 12:2 reminds us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” This verse urges us not to allow Satan to distract us from the life God has planned for us. These distractions could cause us to miss His true purpose and what will fulfill us the most.

2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why for Christs sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insult, in hardships in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” I needed God to remind me how weak I am on my own, when I try to do it all myself. When I forget to feed my soul the bread we are provided (the Word). When I am distracted with tasks, appointments, to-do lists, and I miss meeting with God in prayer and meditating on Him. That verse above I have written on a sticky note and sits on my desk, to remind me that without weaknesses and setbacks I am not made strong but when I am experiencing these hardships I can look forward to the growth and the strength that comes with it.

It has been 1 year since my awakening. Looking back, I can see how I was asleep spiritually, my physical and mental health were drained. I was focused on everything in front of me and saying “yes” to everything that came my way. In a sense being a “yes” woman caused me to say “yes” to some of the things that God didn’t want for me. I was feeding my own desires, hoping to achieve all of the things of this earth that would bring me happiness, fulfillment, and purpose. I found none of those things.

It took a mental break down for me to realize my one true purpose and fulfillment will come from God. It showed me the importance of keeping him number one and letting everything else fall into place. My mental health is in a far better place, I am living alcohol free, my health is at an all-time high. I still have bad days, but I have better coping skills and a better awareness of God’s presence in my life.

I share my story in hopes that I can inspire others to say “no” more often than not. To be okay with getting rest and allowing our spirits to take hold of us. When we feed our spirit first, we can be better equipped physically and mentally to decipher the things God truly wants for us and will fulfill us. Psalms 119:105 “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” Use the lamp when you are in darkness and your spirit is in a slumber. Allow your spirit to awaken.